I’m watching Xena (per a deal I made with our friend that I would watch all of Xena if she watched all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), and I’m in the 5th season. Other than being largely confused, the characters have died again. That seems to be a running theme in supernatural type shows (Buffy, Angel, Charmed).

If I die, Dianne knows my wishes. The problem is, I’m fairly certain my wishes are not legal in this country, so I’ve come up with a work around.

Ideally, I would prefer to be eaten. I can be cooked first of course, I don’t want anyone getting salmonella or E. Coli from eating a raw corpse. So I figure if theres a really big oven, like one of those wood burning pizza oven that could hold my whole body, that would work. You might have to guess on seasoning though, I’m not sure what seasonings go with human. I don’t know of any cannibals that publish recipes. It would be more helpful if they did though.

Since I am still certain eating dead bodies is illegal in the U.S., I would like to be cremated. I have asked Dianne to make sure she’s with me every moment from when I die until I’m ashes, that way she can be certain my body wouldn’t be fondled by a necrophiliac or parts sold off, or my ashes replaced with cement mix. I’ve heard of these things. I especially don’t want any of my organs donated. They’re my organs, and it seems wrong that they might end up in some hyper religious person that hates gays or something.

Ok, now I will prewarn you about my funeral, but if you don’t show up and do this stuff, I will be upset, and I will haunt people if I have to. I intend to be made into a delicious stew, and probably a cake and some other foods too. So when you’re sitting at my funeral and everyone’s giving endearing speeches “Here lies my beloved Nina, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross.” and you eat something, know that some part of my ashes is mixed in, so I will be with you, at least until your next bowel movement. I can’t figure out how to be with you permanently, maybe made into a tattoo ink of some sort? But the point is I want to be absorbed by the people I love and care about, and in my insane mind this makes sense. Don’t think about the logistics of it, its like religion or gravity, just have faith that it works.

Mmm delicious stew

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