Side effects may include

I wish I had my own pain scale. It would start at 10 then go from there. Assuming my pain is lower is frustrating. Trying  to explain to anyone, this includes any medical professional that I ALWAYS have a migraine is difficult. Most people can’t comprehend it so it gets sort of ignored. Or sometimes I’m told I’m lying. Because this is something to lie about. Excruciating pain in my head, neck, and stomach, please, give me your attention. You can tell I want attention by how often I hide in my bedroom in the dark not interacting with anyone. I can’t even blog regularly, or use social media, or text. I love all this extra attention  (sarcasm if you can’t tell).

Why am I posting at 3:30 am? At 8:30 last night Dianne went to take a shower so I laid down with every light source off to try to help my head a little. It was finally dark outside and barely starting to cool off (our house doesn’t seem to have insulation or any seals around its doors and windows). I laid down hoping my migraine would calm down and ended up falling asleep somehow. Of course this means I must wake up at 2am, instead of sleeping like a normal person till at least dawn (which is around 4:30am). On the upside if I end up not being able to sleep then I will hopefully be able to fall asleep for my sleep study that is tonight at 8pm.

My body refuses to cooperate to let me sleep as well. My head is doing is usual pa in that feels like my brain rattling around in my skull, my neck hurts, my hips/lower back/right leg are a tangle of screaming pain. Plus my stomach assures me it needs to be evacuated. Who lives like this? Surely there should be some doctors or something that would look at this list and say “that is terrible, let me help!” Or at least a medicine that does that. Currently I have around 6 medications for these things. My favourite things about these medications is that most of them can’t be taken more than once or twice a week. The others are the side effects. Listed for fun:

Nausea medication causes headaches

Migraine medications cause vomiting, and rebound migraines

Narcotic pain medication causes severe itchiness, migraines, and vomiting

NSAID pain medication causes rebound migraines

Nearly all meds cause drowsiness

Nausea meds make me extra sensitive to sunlight.

Sleep medication causes migraines, vertigo, memory loss

Fibromyalgia medication causes panic attacks, vomiting, headaches, muscle pain (really it sounds like it causes fibromyalgia)

Most of these medications should not be taken together.

Good luck to my organs. Most of them are being damaged by medications that allow me even the most basic functionality. Well, twice a week anyway.

 

unbreakable things

I broke a plate today. It’s one of those Corelle ones that’s supposed to be unbreakable unless you have tile floors, which of course we do. It shattered through the kitchen and living room, and pieces bounced so far they made it into clean dishes on the kitchen counter. Despite my feeble attempt at sweeping I’ll likely find more shards for the next few months, especially as we begin packing to move.

Right, we’re moving in a few or so months

The plate broke because some part of my body landed on it as I attempted to reach for a bowl on a shelf. In attempting to stop the plate from sticking to my bare skin, I tried to hold it in place. Unfortunately my arm is so weak and shaky I ended up watching in what I’m sure was slow motion as my hand skidded the plate to the floor. At least the sound made the cats clear the living room. It also woke the dogs.

That was at 1pm yesterday. It’s now 3am and I’m laying in bed in my 34 year old body that broke on me. I’ve attempted to wrangle pillows, a heating pad (for that arm,neck, shoulder area) and a heating blanket (for the equally sore legs and feet) into some position that will keep me comfortable for more than five minutes. I’m failing at this task.

(Restart heating pad, adjust pillows, adjust dogs, attempt to drink tea to soothe my always sore throat)

Six years ago this body was pretty good. It wasn’t as small as society and a few of my ex’s would have liked. I liked it, when I look at it now I still do. Inside it’s broken, like one of those vhs tapes that got eaten by the vcr because you watched it too many times. Now when you try it’s all messed up and all the tracking in the world won’t fix it. Maybe I used it too much, took it for granted. But who doesn’t do that, especially in their 20’s. There’s no way to know you will literally wake up one morning in severe pain that never stops. You’re not supposed to break when you’re 29. We’re not supposed to break at all.

(Adjust for pillows again)

Maybe the broken parts of me are scattered at different doctors offices, imaging centers, blood labs, emergency rooms, physical therapists…

I feel foggy now, and I must five in to pain meds. There’s always too much pain and not enough pain medication.

Review: Blackmail, My Love

blackmailml

While I loved the setting and nods to historical places, figures, and events, I found myself unable to love the main character Joe. I really wanted to, but when her backstory wasn’t even explained until after the third chapter I was lost for what her motivations were. Her expression of emotions were so subtle that I felt they were reaching for hidden depths that just didn’t exist. The multiple plots did a fair amount of twisting but the primary “blackmail” plot is easily guessed halfway through. If the intention is to be more noir than mystery then I suppose that is a good thing. I did miss the classic noir staple of the femme fatale, though there was a femme, there was nothing fatale about her. She served more as a light love interest, a quick pg rated love scene that left me uninterested, and more often a therapist. Not to mention taking a knock at stone butch women by flat out insulting them (which when recounted to others, consensus was that the line in that scene comes off as more “I like to rape women” than “I convince stone butches to let me have sex with them”).

What did I really like? The character of Pearl, who was fun and interesting, deep and thoughtful, and ruthless when necessary. She carried the show, even assisting with what I assume is the authors desire to discuss non binary gendered thinking, which for the time period seems unlikely of most characters. Pearl managed to pull even that off. I liked several of the blackmailed characters, who were intense and their pain reached off the page, their stories struck nerves that made my heart ache. I liked the storyline of Joes brother, though it was simple and not difficult to figure out, it was realistic, well written, thoughtful and at times raw. It took time to get to the real meat of this plot line, but it was worth it. The brother sister connection and details of their relationship were told so vividly I felt as if I was in the forest there with them.

With so much research accomplished by the author from the extensive acknowledgements and bibliography, I am left confused how a book that seeks to encapsulate gay and lesbian life from 1950’s San Francisco can consciously make so many historically inaccurate choices. Was it the authors wish to see the time through rose colored glasses? Was she inserting herself as the character of Joe, who switches between butch and femme with no qualms about how that would actually be received in the lesbian community of Joe’s time? This is what I was left with when the book was over, but reading about the historical references along with the offered photos help calm my internal storm. In the end I give it a solid 3 stars.