Mutant Ants

The following is an email conversation my girlfriend and I had about a gigantic ant pile in our back yard. Normally we wouldn’t care, but these assholes are biting the dogs, so they have to go.

We’ve used Sevin Dust which is like this not as horrible but just as effective pesticide powder. I made Dianne do it since I’m a jerk and didn’t want the souls of hundreds of ants on my karmic meter.

Then I thought maybe we could just put baby powder on them so they would get confused and wander away and make a new home somewhere not in our yard. Most people don’t know that talc powder confuses ants and they lose their scent trail. It doesn’t kill them.

evil mutated ants

Me: These are really sturdy ants. The pesticide didn’t kill them, the baby powder doesn’t seem to have confused them at all. Its like they’re super ants that were developed in a secret lab and unleashed on the world to taunt me with their non dying. I wish the army would come take them. They could put them into combat or something, make them take over a town or a group of enemy troops cause they just don’t die. They just run around no matter how much you try to kill them all “la la la I’m having such a nice time running all over this fragrant powder you attempted to dust me with”

Dianne: At least they are powdery fresh…

Me: I haven’t taken a xyrtec yet so I didn’t sniff them. They look like it. If I get close enough to sniff them one will probably bite me.

What if that pesticide company that just sent us a flyer secretly planted them in our yard to drum up business? They’re probably capable of developing super ants, and since they made them, they’re the only ones that know their weaknesses.

Dianne: I bet that’s what happened…

Me: I want to work at the dictionary. They decide what words are real. I wonder how you apply. I could just send my resume with a cover letter that says “I like words. A lot.” I’m picturing a group of old librarians with stacks of papers with words and a giant red stamp that says APPROVED.

That’s pretty much how the conversation ended. The ants are still in the yard. I can’t be a big bully and just go out there and stomp on them. Dianne suggested we capture a few and break their kneecaps then put them back, to send a message, like the mob. I told her no because it would be time consuming with the tweezers and I don’t even know if ants have kneecaps.

*Ants do have souls, so I would feel bad killing them. The only things without souls that are ok to kill are ticks, fleas, republicans, cockroaches, mosquitos, and misogynists.