Explaining Sex

This is how sex should be explained:

When two or more rocks find each other, and they like something about each other, or are lonely, or bored, or they found some alcohol, they start rubbing together. Eventually this rubbing makes fire, which builds up, then sometimes is messy, and might destroy a home. If they rub too hard or too often, certain kinds of rocks break off and will make baby rocks.

Good rocks remember to wrap themselves in plastic, that way baby rocks won’t be made, and they can be sure that they won’t get sick if the rocks they rub against are sick. Sometimes, some rocks with have something on them, like fungus, or crabs. Then the rocks have to go to the doctor and get medicine. This rock is also a good rock, and tells all the other rocks that it rubbed against what has happened, so the other rocks can make sure they don’t have fungus or crabs too.

The end.

Or you could just get over it and be honest with your kids about sex, you know, that way they’re not idiots.

The Clock that Ticked Once

Apparently I am not like “normal” women. By this, I mean that I will never have human children. Ever. I’ve known it most of my life, and it doesn’t bother me one bit. Has it affected potential relationships? Yes. Does it make other people angry? Yes? Don’t ask me to explain that, I won’t get it. It’s like trying to tell me how much you like football, or…sperm. I have no idea, and I don’t want to try.

Now, I am going to be 32 in a couple of months. I just realized that this is about the time ten years ago that that biological clock I had heard so much about actually ticked for me. It lasted, I would say anywhere from a week to a month. I know it was there one day, and I remember when it left.

I was working for my girlfriend at the times cousin as a Nanny. She had 2 boys, one 6 and the other 9 months. I was there from morning until when their mom got home. I had never taken care of a baby full-time like that before. I would say, about a month into the job, I started seeing these kids in a new light. I started thinking “hey, maybe it is different if they’re your own. I might want one of these. Aw look he’s being cute.” I started talking to my girlfriend about it, which rightly freaked her out. There were three problems with me possibly wanting kids: one, I had never wanted them before, and said I never would. Two, my girlfriend did not want kids. Three, my girlfriend wasn’t in love with me and was basically using me and cheating on me. I didn’t know about that last one till some time later.

Anyways, I remember spending days muddling through taking care of those two kids, and finally seeing what everyone else saw. There was something comforting in that, in the normalcy I suddenly felt. I wasn’t into baby dolls as a child, I never wanted kids, I didn’t even really want to get married. If you have ever been not normal, you might know what its like to suddenly not feel like some mutant that isn’t made correctly. “Oh shit!” said the gods “we forgot to put in her biological clock!”. Yeah.

Then it ended. Those kids would scream, make messes, make me feel so exhausted that I couldn’t function. I couldn’t pee because the baby didn’t like to be left alone for two minutes. I had to get the 6 year old from school every afternoon, even in hail. There was vomit, drool, poop, and “oh god what is that?” slimy things. Some of you are reading this going, aw that’s cute, that’s how they are. You somehow find some of it endearing. Like muscling through the hard times makes the good ones so much better. For me, muscling through the hard times wasn’t enough, I started muscling through the good times too.

As these things happened and time went on, I became myself again. And when I look back at it now, it seems like some drug induced time, maybe a spell? I’m not sure. But I am back to my mutant self that does not, and will not, ever want children. Some will and do vilify me for this. Go ahead, everyone loves forced reproduction. I could give you the reasons why I shouldn’t have children. In fact, here’s an easy one.

 

That is how you see a baby, compared to how I see a baby. You see something snuggly, that smells like talcum powder and is full of giggles. I see a monster attacking me with its hands, mouth, and eyes, trying to give me botulism. They don’t go well with my germaphobia. Their noises make me tense and irritable. Don’t try to say it’s not that way forever, my oldest niece is 12, the youngest is 6. I’ve been around them plenty. And you can go pretty much anywhere and there will be throngs of teenagers there. There is no better for me. Well, better would be another dog maybe. Or a tortoise. Or a rat. I’m an animal person. Anyone in their right mind would not want me to have a baby. There’s not enough medication in the world for that.

To those of you who have children, yay for you. I hope you do well and your kid turns out to be a decent human being. You also probably don’t get this story. But that time you started thinking about having kids? I was right there with you! Then I went and had a beer and never thought about it again.

 

Like and Don’t Like

I’m very full of angst tonight, the last puppy from the litter we’ve been fostering goes to her new home tomorrow. I can’t sleep and I’m more upset about it than I thought. Making lists calms me, its the Virgo in me.

Like:

tea

animals

fruit

socialism

democrats

polytheism

classic rock

Nickelback

Ancient Egypt

Renaissance Art

Sex

Zombies

Ballroom Dancing

Reading

String Theory

My feet

teaching children curse words

Spiders

interesting crime

women

Joss Whedon tv shows

Theater

Sushi

The zoo

good vodka

tattoos

Pause: wtf is going on this episode of xena?? (season 6 ep 13, seriously, wtf)

when homophobes get caught being gay

nice bathrooms

the mouse that lives in our stove (Bob)

President Obama

comic book movies

horror movies

Australia (I’ve never been there, but I heard its awesome)

Stand Up Comedy

the picts that defeated Romes 9th Legion

Bookmans bookstore

Starbucks

Don’t Like:

Puppy Rogue going home tomorrow

Puppy poop on my couch

The jesus theme in Xena

Being rocked like a hurricane

Creepy straight guys

commercials

pickled things that aren’t pickles

religious music trying to sound like regular music

monotheistic religion

Romans

things coming at me from the tv

staring babies

babies

children

most humans

female genital mutilation

math

camping

cockroaches

republicans

smoking

germs

the military

redneck comedy

kitten heels

modern art

factory farming

genetically modified foods