Keeping it freaky, educated, and loving the BDSM community

After that last post you’re all “yawn, I better get this grandma an afghan so I can hear about her failing liver”. Nope, we’re on to fun and exciting topics.

Like sex, kinky, BDSM, fun, sex.

Dianne and I will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary in September. That is just amazing to me. Before her I never lived in the same apartment for 6 months, and my longest relationship was a grueling 2 1/2 years.  Awww, right? I’m all domesticated, as one of my friends once said. Yes, and a really big no.  To people in the BDSM community, I am more than just a lesbian, and a femme. I’m a masochistic bratty girl bottom, somewhat submissive, with very occasional Dominant and sadistic tendencies. I’ll update on Dianne later, she’s sleeping, and I’m not allowed to spill specifics of our sex life and her preferences without her permission first.

People in this community have various “do’s and don’ts”. This can be basic “how to behave at a play party or sex club” to the list of something someone is willing and unwilling to do. There can be contracts, collars, protocol, and rules. While this sounds difficult, and may seem scary, it’s not. If BDSM on any level appeals to you, and you feel ready to take it past a fantasy, you should feel empowered and unashamed to do so.  I strongly suggest doing plenty of research first. From actual books that are manuals on the subject, and instructional and informational websites. This will give you an honest way to begin, and to start finding your footing. Erotic novels are great, but they don’t give you the information you need to find the right partner(s) for you. Think of it like going to BDSM school. There aren’t any tests (ok, now I’m having a kinky teacher test scenario fantasy), but knowing these things will give you a good jumping off point, help keep you from harm, and a bit of a navigation guide.

With the rise of “50 Shades of Grey” I’ve done plenty of thinking and reading about the impact of these books. I have not read them. Unless required for some reason, I won’t. The basic premise doesn’t appeal to me. Of the BDSM people I have spoken to, it doesn’t appeal to them either. It also causes many of us concern about how these book affect our community. We are a community, just not a very publicized one. If its one you think you would like to join, after you’ve done your real homework, get online and start looking for BDSM community gatherings. Keep these three things in mind: if there will be playing at the party, there likely won’t be drinking, and don’t show up drunk. Two: do not join in on a scene unless invited to, and that you are comfortable and knowledgeable about what will be happening. Three: Know the rules of the party, you will either be told beforehand or at the door. Don’t be afraid to just watch. Many BDSM groups hold demonstrations on different topics, and attending these can be fun, informational, and a more relaxed environment to meet people in the community than attending a full on play party.

Personally, I haven’t attended a BDSM party in a very long time. I would again, but possibly as only an observer, or assistant. Anymore, with all of my body issues and everything, it’s easier that if we can play, we do it at home. I know the best uses of our pillows and blankets, where all the toys are (and not ever having to lug them up a flight of stairs in 6 in heels ever again, what am I, a pack mule?), and there is nothing better than aftercare in my bed. Plus, all my medications are here. I don’t have to face embarrassment by stopping a scene due to sudden migraine, nausea, or leg spasms. That’s just not fun, it pulls me out of my head space and makes me sometimes feel ashamed. Lastly, when I’m in that head space (known as subspace), and I feel completely safe and trusting, I go to this place that is so peaceful, open, and comforting. There is nothing else like it for me. Being in a public venue, I can’t get to that space fully, it’s just not worth it for me, and to expect the type of aftercare I need from going to full subspace in a public setting is difficult. In the end, sometimes I feel pent-up and frustrated afterwards, because I feel like the scene didn’t really go where I needed it to go.  I am very lucky that Dianne and I click on this subject.

I’ve practiced BDSM since I was…. 16. I didn’t really realize it then, I thought I was just having fun. I made sure I was doing it right (be grateful you don’t have to try to find info online now through dialup), and I enjoyed myself. I learned how to use the tools i was interested in, to watch reactions. BDSM for many people is a journey. When I started out, I wanted to be this sadistic Domme. And I was, I had whips, power exchanges, and some very fun humiliation scenes. As time went on, I got kinkier. I got into foot worshipping (of mine), various toys, and had gotten really good with my singletail whip. Then one day, I found this website They had a chat room for butches and femmes. A whole new world opened up, and I was flipped. I started waking up, realizing I wasn’t any sort of butch, and I really really didn’t want to be a Domme. I did so much research, I watched so many people in that chat room talking about themselves in these ways I had never heard of. I read Stone Butch Blues. I had been out for a while, but this, this was an awakening. I realized quickly that I didn’t want to do what I had done. I didn’t want to do the things I discovered. I needed these things done to me. And so that quest began, and it took a lot of not fun pain, frustration, and relationships to get where I am now.

So why do I love the BDSM community so much? The main reason, is this is the most honest place you can ever be. People going here aren’t lying about who they are or what they like. There’s a self-awareness that is rarely found anywhere else. They also care about each other and that no one gets harmed. Safety is of the utmost importance. Lastly, no matter what you’re into, or think you might be into, they accept you. They don’t look down on you if you want to be tied to a Saint Andrews Cross and be burned with cigars. And you shouldn’t look down on them for liking puppy play. One of my favourite BDSM memories is with a puppy.

There are some basic tenets of BDSM, which is why I stress education so much. Learn the kinds of play, and there are a lot. Learn and understand Risk-aware consensual kink and Safe Sane Consensual. Know what one works for you. Learn about proper aftercare. Learn about these before you go out buying toys, or putting out ad’s for who you’re looking for. Learn about safety, and what you need in a safety kit. Pick a safeword (no matter what role you will be taking), and memorize it. Find out about the different training available, and consider if you want a mentor, if you want to learn bootblacking, and if you want to earn your leathers. You may even someday want to run in a Leather Pageant.

I have a very embarrassing story of me once, when I was quite young. I met this girl at a party, not a play party, more of a party/play party/jello wrestling/orgy/firedancing. It was like a sex carnival really, lol. Ok, I knew how to use a flogger and two different kinds of whips. In front of the bonfire with most everyone watching, she had asked me to flog her. I agreed, she showed me areas that she liked and didn’t. Since we were in a wide open space, someone stood as a wall for her. The flogging went well, she enjoyed herself. But, I did something stupid. I didn’t know what to do, and knew nothing of aftercare. I handed her the flogger, and walked away. What an asshole. Later that night, in a private tent, she didn’t bring up what happened. She did offer to spank me though, which I accepted. It was very well done, and she stuck around, and even though I didn’t know the term, she gave me aftercare. I left that morning knowing I was missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle, and proceeded to get books about the subject.

We all still occasionally stumble. We end up where we didn’t expect. Outsiders see us covered in whips and chains playing “mistress of pain” every night. It can be difficult to explain, personally, I don’t even bother. I’ve spent some of my best times tied up, being caned, or at someones feet, or taking orders. I wanted this entry to be sexy and fun, but I think it came out more thoughtful and insightful. One last thing, a Daddy I once had said “I don’t want to harm you, I want to hurt you” (I’ll check with him if its ok to use his name for the post, and update as needed)