I’m a sore winner

Election day is here! If you live in America it’s likely all you will hear about today. If you don’t, well then, you probably don’t care that much. The point is, if you’re American, hopefully you’re voting today (unless, again, you’re not American, or if you’re a convicted felon, or under 18). Theres a certain happiness that comes from voting. Yes, part of it is that we’re hoping to help shape our country. In reality, it’s a selfish deep down feeling of how very right we are, how the people we voted for are so much better than the people who you voted for, because we’re smarter than you. In the spirit of owning up to that kind of self-righteous behavior, since I’m done voting I’ll tell you some not so awesome things thought/discussed by me.

1. I read a news story about a guy who killed his wife that was 7 months pregnant. Everyone said they were so nice and quiet, no one suspected. So what was the deal here? Did he just hate her so much he had to stab her? There are easier ways to get out of a marriage that don’t involve jail time. And really, if you’re going to go in for the kill, and the fetus dies too, why leave that perfectly good dead baby there? He didn’t even consider eating it? I mean, he already did something pretty bad, I don’t think the life in prison/death penalty he’ll likely be getting will be any worse with a little well cooked cannibalism.

2. The movie Act of Valor should be renamed America: Becoming Xenophobic. Basically a bunch of Navy Seals or military guys of some sort hunt down and track terrorists. Now, these terrorists are coming from places Americans are afraid of most: the middle east, Africa, and eastern Europe. Then they fly to the scary get into America place: the American/Mexican border. Here, the various cultures become a melting pot of terrorism. The Mexican cartels are protecting them, and they speak the American version of Spanish (as noted in the vaquero guy yelling “trucko!” as a truck passed). Even the explosions were disappointing in this movie.

3. My cat Arges shit on the floor again. He does not care. Not a single fuck is ever given by that cat about shitting on the floor. Especially right as I’m about to fall asleep and the smell hits me, or just after the cat box has been cleaned. I’ve considered gluing his asshole shut. I wouldn’t do that. But I’ve thought about it.

I pee in your bed too

4. I’m creating a rating system for myself based on a theory of how many people I would need to stab to make myself feel better. I am not going to stab anyone. The thought of prison keeps me from stabbing anyone, so I guess good job crap prison system for keeping me scared straight.

5. I really despise the pope. I do for the office in general, but this one especially. First he’s a giant Nazi bigot douche. Second, his house is full of some of the most amazing art in the world that no one but asshole church workers and a very select few will ever get to see. How is that fair to the world? It’s not. He needs an eviction, or to at least take some damn pictures of those frescoes.

6. I think more people would be open to data mining if it were presented properly. Right now, you read some shitty article about Target mining your data and predicting that you’re pregnant, freaks you out. However, you meet someone attractive at the bar, after a few drinks they ask to “mine your data” nudge nudge wink wink, you take them home, then fill out a questionnaire about your spending habits. You’ll regret it later, but no one made you do those vodka shots.

Death

I’m watching Xena (per a deal I made with our friend that I would watch all of Xena if she watched all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), and I’m in the 5th season. Other than being largely confused, the characters have died again. That seems to be a running theme in supernatural type shows (Buffy, Angel, Charmed).

If I die, Dianne knows my wishes. The problem is, I’m fairly certain my wishes are not legal in this country, so I’ve come up with a work around.

Ideally, I would prefer to be eaten. I can be cooked first of course, I don’t want anyone getting salmonella or E. Coli from eating a raw corpse. So I figure if theres a really big oven, like one of those wood burning pizza oven that could hold my whole body, that would work. You might have to guess on seasoning though, I’m not sure what seasonings go with human. I don’t know of any cannibals that publish recipes. It would be more helpful if they did though.

Since I am still certain eating dead bodies is illegal in the U.S., I would like to be cremated. I have asked Dianne to make sure she’s with me every moment from when I die until I’m ashes, that way she can be certain my body wouldn’t be fondled by a necrophiliac or parts sold off, or my ashes replaced with cement mix. I’ve heard of these things. I especially don’t want any of my organs donated. They’re my organs, and it seems wrong that they might end up in some hyper religious person that hates gays or something.

Ok, now I will prewarn you about my funeral, but if you don’t show up and do this stuff, I will be upset, and I will haunt people if I have to. I intend to be made into a delicious stew, and probably a cake and some other foods too. So when you’re sitting at my funeral and everyone’s giving endearing speeches “Here lies my beloved Nina, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross.” and you eat something, know that some part of my ashes is mixed in, so I will be with you, at least until your next bowel movement. I can’t figure out how to be with you permanently, maybe made into a tattoo ink of some sort? But the point is I want to be absorbed by the people I love and care about, and in my insane mind this makes sense. Don’t think about the logistics of it, its like religion or gravity, just have faith that it works.

Mmm delicious stew