I’m inventing a new workout. Maybe it’s not new, I don’t know. I’m not researching it or anything, but I do already have a name picked out. It’s called Dance Your Ass Off (from now on referred to as DYAO). Basically, it’s just fucking dancing. All kinds of dancing, for around thirty minutes to an hour, basically whatever I can handle that day. I’m going to make a playlist of music that sounds good right before I do it, and then just dance around in my tiny ass house.
How do you start your own DYAO routine? Fuck, I don’t know, do the same thing. Hopefully you have a bigger living room. The main point here is to dance. Dance motherfucker dance! We’re not dancing to look cool, or get our cardio up, or impress someone. No, we’re fucking moving around crazy and shit because we’re fucking DANCING. You want to just do air kicks and high-five invisible friends? Awesome! Ballet, and you don’t even know ballet? Fuck yeah. Go do it, just do some Footloose movie kick dancing, then maybe some sprinkler moves, get a good bra on and do the running man for a while. Spin around as much as you can but not so much you puke.
Maybe this is a crazy persons version of sweating to the oldies. I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go along. If you are trying to work out certain parts of your body, or you go to a gym, or you actually give a fuck what people think when they see you prancing around your living room, this is not the workout for you. Also, don’t dance on furniture. I have an Ikea couch, that shit looks like it will break when I sit on it, don’t stand on the fucking Ikea furniture. Probably any furniture really. That leads to concussions, twisted ankles, having to buy a new coffee table, and not being able to fucking dance.
I read somewhere that exercising helps people with Fibromyalgia feel a little better, or maybe a lot better. When I say read an article, I mean skimmed an article at 3am because I couldn’t sleep. Seriously, if they said “dying your skin purple makes people with Fibromyalgia feel better” I would be soaking in a big ass vat of purple dye right now. I do not care anymore. Fuck being sick, I’m gonna go fucking dance.
PS: Why was the use of the word fuck so important? Because we’re fucking EXCITED fucker.
PPS: Spell check suggested instead of Fibromyalgia I use the word fibroblast, which would be a much more kick ass name for a shitty ass illness.
PPPS: I haven’t slept. This may all end in tears later.