Just write

The same advice repeats no matter where you look for “how to be a writer”. Just write!

Yeah, here’s the problem, I can’t. Not enough. Not enough to where a full story or novel in written, arranged, researched, and edited. I can do little bits here and there. I have at least 5 full novels that I have bits of, scraps saved in my email, memos, or in my “writing” file. Inevitably, my brain starts pounding, stabbing, or throbbing to where any writing is impossible and I can’t. This goes on for months. For me to just update this blog takes so much energy I can’t even keep up with it on a regular schedule.

I want to be a writer. I can’t confidently say I am a writer, because I don’t feel I have enough writing out in the world yet. I have so many stories that I love, I want to show them to everyone, but I can’t get them out. I worry that I will die before I even complete one. That is one of my goals, to complete one of these stories that I love so much.

I will not accept the idea that I am weak because I won’t “overcome” the my illness to get my writing done, or anything done for that matter. I used to think that, hell, I have a post a bit back about wishing I was strong. I am strong, I am limited by my illness, and I am going to be a writer.

(PS… this is a very post dated FUCK YOU to the person who said I just need to “get over” my migraines)

It could be worse

I am not doing well right now. On top of my normal every day crap, I have a festering tooth that I have to get a root canal on in a few days, and I have my period. Before you go running for the hills thinking I’m going to bitch about feeling crap, I do have a point to make here.

No matter how bad I feel, I remind myself it could always be worse. It helps me feel better and whine less. More people should do that. I don’t know where I got this from, maybe it’s from my parents saying things like “oh you’re bored, well children in Africa are starving.” The downside of this is when your life is worse than someone else’s, and they’re bitching and complaining, there’s not a nice way to tell them to get over it.

For example, I know someone who became a drug addict because her parents got divorced. I’ve never said anything to her, but what a whiny bitch. My parents were crack addicts, I got molested for 6 years by a “family friend”, and then my parents got divorced. Did I become a drug addict? No. Because someone has it worse than me. In all that time that was happening to me, some 12 year old girl in a 3rd world country was probably raped, forced to marry her rapist, then turned into a prostitute by her shitty husband. That’s way worse than my life.

I know that I’m supposed to remember that everyone’s life experience is different, and each persons experiences have their own value. I’m not good at that though. Stop complaining, your life isn’t that bad. Unless you’re that girl in the 3rd world country, then it really is, complain all you want, you totally deserve it.



Being sick for over 3 years has made my life somewhat…. sedentary.  I have some ideas of things I would like to accomplish, what some might call a bucket list of sorts. Instead I think of it as a list that has options that can be completed daily or over time. This way I feel like I’m accomplishing things constantly, and I still have things to continue to work towards. This is the list I’ve come up with so far, in no particular order:

  • Work at the dictionary.
  • Start a cult
  • Not get an STD
  • Eat candy
  • Get someone to give me their soul
  • Get minions
  • Be published in an actual book, preferably my own
  • Wear pants
  • Keep a non cactus plant alive for 1 year or more
  • Grow a vegetable
  • Eat dragon fruit
  • Try baklava
  • See Nickelback again
  • Get at least 1 minion
  • Ride on a real train (not a public transportation subway type train)
  • Have sex (again)
  • Astral project
  • Have a zombie dinosaur movie dedicated to me (after death)
  • Put my hand in one of those dyson fan thingys

This fan

It may not seem like a big list, but I have to start somewhere. Plus I didn’t want to get out of control, and put something like “Go to Egypt” on the list, because then when I die I’ll be upset that it didn’t happen. Egypt seems too dangerous lately, especially for white female lesbian Americans. Maybe I’ll astral project there.