Side effects may include

I wish I had my own pain scale. It would start at 10 then go from there. Assuming my pain is lower is frustrating. Trying  to explain to anyone, this includes any medical professional that I ALWAYS have a migraine is difficult. Most people can’t comprehend it so it gets sort of ignored. Or sometimes I’m told I’m lying. Because this is something to lie about. Excruciating pain in my head, neck, and stomach, please, give me your attention. You can tell I want attention by how often I hide in my bedroom in the dark not interacting with anyone. I can’t even blog regularly, or use social media, or text. I love all this extra attention  (sarcasm if you can’t tell).

Why am I posting at 3:30 am? At 8:30 last night Dianne went to take a shower so I laid down with every light source off to try to help my head a little. It was finally dark outside and barely starting to cool off (our house doesn’t seem to have insulation or any seals around its doors and windows). I laid down hoping my migraine would calm down and ended up falling asleep somehow. Of course this means I must wake up at 2am, instead of sleeping like a normal person till at least dawn (which is around 4:30am). On the upside if I end up not being able to sleep then I will hopefully be able to fall asleep for my sleep study that is tonight at 8pm.

My body refuses to cooperate to let me sleep as well. My head is doing is usual pa in that feels like my brain rattling around in my skull, my neck hurts, my hips/lower back/right leg are a tangle of screaming pain. Plus my stomach assures me it needs to be evacuated. Who lives like this? Surely there should be some doctors or something that would look at this list and say “that is terrible, let me help!” Or at least a medicine that does that. Currently I have around 6 medications for these things. My favourite things about these medications is that most of them can’t be taken more than once or twice a week. The others are the side effects. Listed for fun:

Nausea medication causes headaches

Migraine medications cause vomiting, and rebound migraines

Narcotic pain medication causes severe itchiness, migraines, and vomiting

NSAID pain medication causes rebound migraines

Nearly all meds cause drowsiness

Nausea meds make me extra sensitive to sunlight.

Sleep medication causes migraines, vertigo, memory loss

Fibromyalgia medication causes panic attacks, vomiting, headaches, muscle pain (really it sounds like it causes fibromyalgia)

Most of these medications should not be taken together.

Good luck to my organs. Most of them are being damaged by medications that allow me even the most basic functionality. Well, twice a week anyway.


unbreakable things

I broke a plate today. It’s one of those Corelle ones that’s supposed to be unbreakable unless you have tile floors, which of course we do. It shattered through the kitchen and living room, and pieces bounced so far they made it into clean dishes on the kitchen counter. Despite my feeble attempt at sweeping I’ll likely find more shards for the next few months, especially as we begin packing to move.

Right, we’re moving in a few or so months

The plate broke because some part of my body landed on it as I attempted to reach for a bowl on a shelf. In attempting to stop the plate from sticking to my bare skin, I tried to hold it in place. Unfortunately my arm is so weak and shaky I ended up watching in what I’m sure was slow motion as my hand skidded the plate to the floor. At least the sound made the cats clear the living room. It also woke the dogs.

That was at 1pm yesterday. It’s now 3am and I’m laying in bed in my 34 year old body that broke on me. I’ve attempted to wrangle pillows, a heating pad (for that arm,neck, shoulder area) and a heating blanket (for the equally sore legs and feet) into some position that will keep me comfortable for more than five minutes. I’m failing at this task.

(Restart heating pad, adjust pillows, adjust dogs, attempt to drink tea to soothe my always sore throat)

Six years ago this body was pretty good. It wasn’t as small as society and a few of my ex’s would have liked. I liked it, when I look at it now I still do. Inside it’s broken, like one of those vhs tapes that got eaten by the vcr because you watched it too many times. Now when you try it’s all messed up and all the tracking in the world won’t fix it. Maybe I used it too much, took it for granted. But who doesn’t do that, especially in their 20’s. There’s no way to know you will literally wake up one morning in severe pain that never stops. You’re not supposed to break when you’re 29. We’re not supposed to break at all.

(Adjust for pillows again)

Maybe the broken parts of me are scattered at different doctors offices, imaging centers, blood labs, emergency rooms, physical therapists…

I feel foggy now, and I must five in to pain meds. There’s always too much pain and not enough pain medication.

Back to my regular reprogramming

So after that last post I’ve taken quite a bit of time but I’ve also been oddly busy. Busy in my head. I’ve written as much as these migraines allow. Its exciting and tiring. Turns out my brain likes to do all the writing around three am. I feel like there are so many stories and characters rattling around in here I can hardly get them out fast enough. If you jiggle my head little people and bits of scenery will fall out of my ears.

As far as the last post goes, I’m well back into my usual mindset of “doctors aren’t gods”. One of my good friends reminded me of that when it all happened. Even though I’ve held to that reminder for a few years, my brain just needed time to shed the load that doctor had dumped on it before it could absorb or even process anything.

The only lasting frustration is that I can’t exactly post a yelp review about that doctor. I’m fairly certain she would lash out at me and it would be awful.

Sorry this isn’t funny or super interesting. But at least I’ve updated. Maybe I should’ve titled this “I’m not dead”.

Heres a picture of Studly to make up for all the bleh:

The boss of me

                                                           The boss of me

PS: Oh yeah, I also rebuilt my site! I forgot about that. What do you think??