Doctors Orders: My Fat is Good

I know I’m on hiatus, but I had to share this strange slightly convoluted medical thing.

So my follow ups with my Gynecologist lead to seeing an Oncologist. Scary, but wait.

So all the guts they took out in my surgery were, well, confused. It boils down to that while there were bits of cancer in the cut out guts, there is none currently in my body (yay). This apparently made test results in the middle of “cancer” and “no cancer”. Which to me sounds like someone being sort of pregnant, but ok sure.

My oncologist is very positive with this outlook, while my gynecologist said something along the lines of “well its a good thing we did the surgery, otherwise the cancer would have spread without any indication and you would be dead in a year” Ok, I know I am ok, but knowing that is a bit terrifying.

Last, in the strange but good part: I can’t take hormone replacement therapy because of the almost real cancer. So I’m 34 and all menopausey. However, as my gynecologist said, real quote here, “because you are big, not a normal size, your fat produces estrogen. That will make the menopause easier for you. You are above a normal persons bmi, so the hormones from your fat are good”

Take that, my fat is good for me. Go me and my fat.

Another time I might talk about all the tiny, difficult things that led up to the surgery so that I’m not dead in a year.

gigantus (2)
PS: Here is a stray puppy that wandered into the yard. We’re trying to find her a home. It was like the universe said “here’s a gift: a cute puppy! Oh yeah, it chews everything, so watch that… enjoy!”

Where have I been?

Because I don’t spend nearly enough time at the doctors or feeling ill, I ended up having surgery on April 3. It was a 3 part outpatient thing, and now I have a giant hole in my belly button that is disgusting to look at.

Because of this, and all of the added complications that came with it, I haven’t been doing anything. No writing, no editing, not even hanging out on facebook and twitter. Instead I’m in bed, with a roller coaster of physical ailments. The fun part is I have extra time to have my crazy thoughts. Here are a few:

Filling out patient forms, Sexually Active? Yes. Form of Birth Control Used?: Lesbianism. Also made a check box for domestic partner. My girlfriend did not find this as amusing as I did.

Someone on facebook said that I’m “deceitful and salty”. I’m confused by this.

I can’t love unicorns. Try to sway me with magic, mystery, and connections with Neil Patrick Harris, I just can’t. You’re upgraded horses. Sorry Unicorns, it’s not you, it’s me. I must love the magical Horned Rhinoceros instead. Stop trying to sway me with glittery rainbows! Wait Unicorns! It is your fault! You are part horse, cloppy hooves & giant teeth you knew you terrified me! I must go, I can’t, I just can’t.

What is this Hulu Plus? I’m paying to watch advertising? I’ll just stick with cable.

My doctor called me two days after surgery to ask if I “passed gas out my bottom”.

I hear they are sending people to Mars. I would like to go. I would take over and RULE MARS!! I would also make myself a big shiny hat. Wait, I would have one commissioned. Ruler of Mars doesn’t make her own hat! Pharaoh of Mars!! (Taking over Mars would be easier than Earth, there are less people there, and they don’t have a military force yet.)