Where have I been?

Because I don’t spend nearly enough time at the doctors or feeling ill, I ended up having surgery on April 3. It was a 3 part outpatient thing, and now I have a giant hole in my belly button that is disgusting to look at.

Because of this, and all of the added complications that came with it, I haven’t been doing anything. No writing, no editing, not even hanging out on facebook and twitter. Instead I’m in bed, with a roller coaster of physical ailments. The fun part is I have extra time to have my crazy thoughts. Here are a few:

Filling out patient forms, Sexually Active? Yes. Form of Birth Control Used?: Lesbianism. Also made a check box for domestic partner. My girlfriend did not find this as amusing as I did.

Someone on facebook said that I’m “deceitful and salty”. I’m confused by this.

I can’t love unicorns. Try to sway me with magic, mystery, and connections with Neil Patrick Harris, I just can’t. You’re upgraded horses. Sorry Unicorns, it’s not you, it’s me. I must love the magical Horned Rhinoceros instead. Stop trying to sway me with glittery rainbows! Wait Unicorns! It is your fault! You are part horse, cloppy hooves & giant teeth you knew you terrified me! I must go, I can’t, I just can’t.

What is this Hulu Plus? I’m paying to watch advertising? I’ll just stick with cable.

My doctor called me two days after surgery to ask if I “passed gas out my bottom”.

I hear they are sending people to Mars. I would like to go. I would take over and RULE MARS!! I would also make myself a big shiny hat. Wait, I would have one commissioned. Ruler of Mars doesn’t make her own hat! Pharaoh of Mars!! (Taking over Mars would be easier than Earth, there are less people there, and they don’t have a military force yet.)

 

 

Damn Science

If christian schools aren’t going to teach evolution because they don’t believe in it, then why bother teaching any science classes at all? You can’t just pick and choose which science you want to believe in. I’m fairly certain they’re playing it a little fast and loose with anatomy probably too, since those schools usually teach abstinence and don’t want students knowing the reality of how babies are made. Babies are made through magic, just in case no one told you.Why bother teaching science at all then.

For that matter, they shouldn’t teach math either. At some point, math and science start working together, and if you believe that the earth was created 6,000 years ago, then you clearly can’t understand advanced math. You start getting into physics, then string theory, plus carbon dating. If you believe in creationism, this stuff will make no sense to you, so you’re really just screwed.

Those schools must have trouble teaching history too. If they don’t believe that humans existed before the whole garden of Eden thing, how can they learn about Mesopotamia? You can’t sit there and pretend that all the Mesopotamia’s were white, and that is part of the cradle of civilization.

Damn you science, if only we had a way to prove which one of these was real.

That’s as unreasonable as trying to believe some man from the middle east named Jesus was born white. There’s just no facts to support that, no basis in reality.

Poor Jesus, the only white guy back then. Probably couldn’t even tan.

 

By the way, if you would like to employ me as a teacher in a christian school I might accept. Granted I know things about science, and believe in evolution. But, I’m terrible at math, and if we’re going to be teaching about things we make up, I would love to teach children about the wonder of an extinct species called Unicorns.

The Unicorn, a magical yet extinct species