I am so done with my sleep. Sleep and I used to get along famously.  Sleep would be here every night, and we’d have a great time until around early afternoon sometimes even. But lately, Sleep seems to not be so into me anymore. If I’m lucky, Sleep gets here around four am. Worse, lately Sleep hasn’t been getting here until sunrise! I tried to reason with Sleep, even entice them with things they usually can’t refuse, like ambien, but nothing is working. I keep getting excuses from Sleep, like “oh I was stuck on Tumblr” or “I got sucked into a binge watch on netflix“. We’ll this is it, I really am done with Sleep this time. I’m tired of excuses, the inability to be punctual, a general flightiness of showing up for an hour or two then just wandering off, obviously daydreaming. I don’t want to be that sad desperate girl begging Sleep to come ’round. I’m too angry, and my brain is muddled from being awake all night, and, well, more than anything, I’m just… tired.

Back to my regular reprogramming

So after that last post I’ve taken quite a bit of time but I’ve also been oddly busy. Busy in my head. I’ve written as much as these migraines allow. Its exciting and tiring. Turns out my brain likes to do all the writing around three am. I feel like there are so many stories and characters rattling around in here I can hardly get them out fast enough. If you jiggle my head little people and bits of scenery will fall out of my ears.

As far as the last post goes, I’m well back into my usual mindset of “doctors aren’t gods”. One of my good friends reminded me of that when it all happened. Even though I’ve held to that reminder for a few years, my brain just needed time to shed the load that doctor had dumped on it before it could absorb or even process anything.

The only lasting frustration is that I can’t exactly post a yelp review about that doctor. I’m fairly certain she would lash out at me and it would be awful.

Sorry this isn’t funny or super interesting. But at least I’ve updated. Maybe I should’ve titled this “I’m not dead”.

Heres a picture of Studly to make up for all the bleh:

The boss of me

                                                           The boss of me

PS: Oh yeah, I also rebuilt my site! I forgot about that. What do you think??

Just write

The same advice repeats no matter where you look for “how to be a writer”. Just write!

Yeah, here’s the problem, I can’t. Not enough. Not enough to where a full story or novel in written, arranged, researched, and edited. I can do little bits here and there. I have at least 5 full novels that I have bits of, scraps saved in my email, memos, or in my “writing” file. Inevitably, my brain starts pounding, stabbing, or throbbing to where any writing is impossible and I can’t. This goes on for months. For me to just update this blog takes so much energy I can’t even keep up with it on a regular schedule.

I want to be a writer. I can’t confidently say I am a writer, because I don’t feel I have enough writing out in the world yet. I have so many stories that I love, I want to show them to everyone, but I can’t get them out. I worry that I will die before I even complete one. That is one of my goals, to complete one of these stories that I love so much.

I will not accept the idea that I am weak because I won’t “overcome” the my illness to get my writing done, or anything done for that matter. I used to think that, hell, I have a post a bit back about wishing I was strong. I am strong, I am limited by my illness, and I am going to be a writer.

(PS… this is a very post dated FUCK YOU to the person who said I just need to “get over” my migraines)